I'm not ready to grow up!

Just playing with my phone, I like this photo....

So weird, turning twenty next month. I've been thinking a lot about this birthday. I know everyone always focuses on 21, but 20 is a crazy age to be... two decades, no longer a child, no longer a teenager. It's intimidating, thinking of all the things that will be expected of me in the next few years. Moving out, finishing my bachelors, getting my first "real" career oriented job. I feel behind. I feel like I'm not good enough, like I'm not ready yet. Like I'll never be ready. It's nerve-wracking.

I kinda just want to go back to being 18, you know? Still just a kid, nobody expects much from you, nobody's watching what you do with your life. At 18, I wasn't any different than I am today, I even weighed the same... though I have gained and lost weight in between. I still complain about the same old things, I still have the fashion sense of a polar bear, I still like plaid shirts, floppy pants and green tea. I don't remember what 19 was like for me at all. I feel like I missed a year, somewhere between making my bed and finishing with community college.

I have a few things to promise myself this new year. For the first year of a new decade, I am going to be happy with who I am, how I look, and the things I like. I'm going to pursue writing and expand my social life. I'm going to put every ounce of effort into being the 'Tess' I know I can be. I'm going to be happy. Yep, that's my goal. I'm going to accomplish everything it is I have to do in order to be happy.

Hazzah!

I have five GIANT spider bites on my arm and two on my leg! THEY ITCH SOOOO BAAAAAAAAD...... *starts crying*

Dream from Sandman

Some random characters from my book.

And now, just for funzies:

Dream from Sandman
Because you KNOW you want to sex him!

My next big challenge will be to start practicing landscapes and architecture. I favor portraits and drawing figures far too much... ugh, self-teaching is a pain.

Some Art

Figured I'd post some art up on this blog, not that anyone reads it anyway.

Here's a "progress" thingy I did. Pretty much I sketch everything in photoshop since scanning and lineart is way too big a pain in the butt. Then I flesh it out in black and white, and finally the last step I put a layer on overlay and more or less paint all the colors. Then I put a layer on normal over that and add in the details. I have a long way to go, but I think I like this method much better than my other ones.

And here is a short baby poem, to fulfill my "poem a day" need:

He had longer strides
So walked faster,
Went farther,
But I had the greater heart,
I lived deeper,
Laughed harder.

He was keen of mind,
So learned quicker,
Spoke sooner.
But I was keen of eyes,
I looked closer
And knew more.

Forsaken Things

In shallow breaths
We learned to speak.
Through bitten lips
We learned to lie.
It was all Frostbite and Bittersweet,
The love as fleeting as it was shy.

That's all we had
were bitten lips,
And shallow breaths,
Spent on words.
Wasted when we could have kissed,
Coveted when we could have burned.

And now those words
Are lost again,
Splintered upon
Such broken wings.
We fade again to Bittersweet.
Such memories of forsaken things.

Smaller Places

Smaller Places

I seek the smaller places,
The older ways,
The quiet whispers.

I seek the narrow streets,
The crooked fences,
and garden weeds.

I seek the rusty tires,
The clasped hands
And downcast eyes.

I seek the empty roads,
The chipped sidewalks
And pale skies.

I seek the older heartaches
With familiar pain
And closed-up wounds.

I seek the smaller places,
The unbound hearts -
The open rooms.

Good ol' Major Switcheroonie

So I'm switching to an English major, Hazzah! Then maybe I'll look into Library Science... because I'm obviously such an interesting person and working in a library sounds fun to me. Actually it does sound fun to me. Be afraid. Very afraid.

:)