Tuesday, February 9, 2010

I am dead. I am exhausted and drained as though I have never been. I do not know what age feels like, and yet if it is anything like the hesitation before each footstep, like the dragging breath in my lungs as I struggle to regain my thoughts -- then age is not time, but weariness. I no longer know the significance of a year. I am forgetting myself; who I was and who I am, and what I have always dreamed of becoming. The idea of failure has never scared me, for I know that for a task such as mine, failure is inevitable... and yet I do not want to fail. However, the thought of success has lost all personal value. I am simply here to be; and if, in being, I might detach myself from success, then I might detach myself from the concept of failure -- and perhaps, learn to be happy while walking through the most desolate valleys of the heart. Goals give us direction, but they also deceive us by giving a false sense of self-worth. I must see my goals as simply tools of survival, and not the final purpose of my existence. I am simply here to be. My very presence changes those around me; any further effort on my part is unnecessary.

I would like to know why, but god does not bother with explanations, or with motives, or even apologies. The final truth is that there is no real why -- "why" can never be answered, and even when we are dead, conscious or nonexistent, it will never matter. "Why" is what we fight -- "why" is what we try to become, and what we try to attain. "Why" builds religion, "why" started science, and "why" is what we individually strive for every single day of our lives... but in the end, why does not change what is. Any sort of significant change is utterly irreversible. An explanation would be appreciated, but god knows it will not give satisfaction, and it will not give back what was lost -- so god remains silent.

God, as an experience, is far more motion than sound. Nirvana is the sensation of connecting to a greater consciousness, and it is permanent. It is the knowing that all things are connected, including oneself; this connection manifests itself as love, though really, it is simply the bodily experience of unity. I do not think the human mind is capable of comprehending Nirvana, but I do believe the experience allows us to manifest our wills upon this world. However, the question arises -- since Nirvana inevitably creates in all of us the same knowledge of a greater consciousness, do we all begin to manifest the same will?

I do not think that reconnecting to our source and experiencing Nirvana means the end of individuality, nor the end of free will. I think it is the realization that we all are bound by the same source and the same will, and that we are each unique expressions of what is inherently One.

But even with that connection, one still knows loss, one still feels helpless, and one is still painfully aware of one's own mortality. I am world weary and tired of questioning. No answers will bring peace, but thankfully that is something I have already attained.

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