Sunday, September 27, 2009

Trying to get it out....

No really....

now who the fuck am I supposed to be?

How am I supposed to move forward with all this shit in my life? This is a 180 degree change that is throwing me all out of balance. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. It's so easy to lose hope at the slightest rejection. I really have no point to living... I know it sucks, and I know it sounds like a dumb drama thing to say, but I really do feel like that. My whole life revolved around my dad. I was even considering moving to WA just to be with him because I didn't want to waste one second that we had together. Everything I accomplished, it wasn't really an accomplishment unless Dad approved; it wasn't really special unless I knew he was proud of me; that was my greatest reward, seeing him smile and share things with me, having our deep conversations, talking about life and philosophy and my writing... I wanted so badly to share everything with him. I wanted him to be there for everything I accomplish in my life, and now he won't even see the beginning. With no one to share it and appreciate it, what does accomplishment even mean?

Why do I want to do the things I do? I want to be a published author because I love writing and it's the only career I can even consider enjoying, other than maybe social work of some kind... but in the end, I think my dedication is to knowledge and spiritual growth, not to saving kids from ghettos. But now I have no one to strive for. I have no one to share my dreams with, or who might dream with me... everyone else is far lesser of a person than my dad. They're a bunch of prideful kids with no direction and no understanding of the world, and even their parents cannot help me. I feel isolated. I feel like I'm standing alone with all of these thoughts and responsibilities attacking me and all I really want to do is die. I've been through this before, but I never thought I would realistically admit that to myself -- I really want to die right now. I would never consider suicide, but that doesn't change the truth. Laying down and becoming nothing seems like a better alternative than going through this shit. This is the death of all of my hopes and dreams. This is the death of myself... or whoever I have been up to this point.

And now it's my own responsibility to resurrect myself. I am only 20. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, never mind next year. Who am I? I am an artist, a kind person... but other than that, I am very little without the love my dad fueled me with, and I'm scared the residues of that love will fade eventually. I will lose him. I will lose him for good and he will be gone, poof, disappeared like so much dust. I don't understand it. I don't understand how something so solid and real as love can just disappear, something that we rely on and that becomes such a deep part of ourselves. I just want to be free. I want to leave this pain behind and just be me, be myself, alone... but now, I realize that I do not exist by myself. I exist only in relation to the people around me, and the prospect of really living for myself, of really being MY OWN person, ME, with no ties and no direction and nothing leading me through life but my own two feet and the common sense in my head... no parents to ask for advice, or to rely on, or to at least look to in hard times... it's terrifying. I already feel lost, and it's only been a month. I can't imagine how I will be in a year, or even six months... I literally do not know where I will be.

No comments: